So Mr. Monkey, what’s the pitch? Shoot.

OK, it’s called Celebrity Fight Club: ten celebrities spend ten weeks in training to be crowned the ultimate fighter in a series of tests and competitions in which their progress will be filmed and broadcast weekly in a live three hour show on Saturday nights on ITV. We’ll see the true side of their characters from a close introspection of their competitive edge to their fractured relationships with each other as brain, body and brawn is put to the test – hosted by Vernon Kay and Kate Thornton. The proposal will raise the awareness of the martial arts to a new audience of reality TV addicts, and also go a long way in breaking certain taboos and stereotypes that many of the viewing public still have with regards to the fighting arts.

Infotainment – yeah, I like it, go on.

We teach them all different disciplines, from animal styles to the Japanese grappling arts, and have celebrities face off in a one to one sparring session where self-serving media cretins like Stan Collymore and Jade Goody don respective uniforms and proceed to cave each other’s faces in. But tailor the arts to the individual’s preferred specifications: for example, give H from Steps something like Capoeria, and Russell Grant something like Aikido, where his flailing gelatinous limbs can proceed to catapult the less capable pupils into orbit. Tara Palmer-Tomkinson can learn Chinese weapons, I reckon she’s pretty good with a stick.

Let me stop you there Monkey man, this sounds awfully familiar to something the BBC tried to do a few years back?

Yeah, it is a bit, but this time we’ll use really second rate celebrities who can’t fight, because there’s no fun in watching trained martial artists because they’re probably not likely to a) fall over, b) hurt themselves, or c) cry a lot when they fall over and hurt themselves.

I like what I’m hearing so far, but where’s the audience interaction? The people need a voice…

Well, that’s the beauty of it. The audience can vote for their favorites as the series progresses, so it doesn’t just rely on the skill of the participant but also makes the show a bit more of a personality contest. And say if Les Dennis and Rebecca Loos reach the fight off, then put the final decision down to a panel of expert judges: Lulu, Huggy Bear (from Starsky & Hutch), Ross Kemp and that guy from Dancing on Ice. You know, the one with the designer stubble who always looks like he’s sat on a pineapple.

I’m thinking from a health and safety angle now Monkey, are audiences ready to allow this sort of prime time competitiveness into their homes?

Well, let’s do it for charity, then, that might make it all seem a lot more important. And who doesn’t want to see someone like Chico get a good kicking? People only watch I’m a Celebrity to see famous people be humiliated anyway, and if the viewing public can wholly embrace Matt from Busted digesting a kangeroo’s anus live on their television sets, then I’m sure a full contact punch fest will go down a storm. The celebrities will fight under the same strict guidelines outlined in most of the major world championships, and their intense training schedules will mean that they’re well prepared for each bout.

We still need a hook, though. Who have you got as the celebrity trainer?

Chuck Norris.

The hairy beefcake himself?

He’s not up to much these days, his agent said he’d do it after he has finished single handedly quarantining all of the remaining rebellious factions and insurgency forces currently opposed to the US regime change in Basra, where he’s holding back an insurmountable army of terrorists using only a penknife, a chop stick and some superglue.

He’s quite a hero.

He’s bigger than all of us.

OK, so Chuck’s in, who else do you have in mind for guests?

Well we’re relying on Chuck’s contacts in the armed forces and those involved in his Kick Arse Karate dojo School for the Superior, but I’ve been in contact with a some of Lulu’s friends who says that the boy band Let Loose might be reforming, so we can also use the ring as a platform to promote new singles while the judges are deliberating their scores.

But I just don’t feel that this is going to be humiliating enough to maintain the audience levels past the opening pilot – any suggestions?

Well it’s more about raising awareness about the health benefits and discipline needed to become an expert in the martial arts…

Yeah, that’s all well and good Monkey, but people don’t want to watch that on Saturday nights, they want hunky boys in leotards and girls with their boobs out.

I see.

Quite.

Err… well, I’m sure Rebecca Loos will get her boobs out, she’s just about game for anything these days.

Sold! [Presses intercom] Vanessa, bring me my wallet.

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