To coincide with the release of Kung Fu Panda, Ben Johnson looks at some of the other cinematic animals that have got down with the Fu and kicked ass in their own unique ways. From Mutant Turtles to high kicking kangaroos, cinema is obsessed with these crazy creatures, and here’s why.
Animals do the funniest things. Like this one time, when I fell down a whirlpool and ended up in a magical land of talking kangaroos, one of them whipped out a pair of nunchakus and started a fight with a washed-up Samurai. No, wait a minute, I think I’ve just confused the film Warriors of Virtue with my own life – it’s an easy mistake to make. If only all animals were that cool. Considering that the basic foundation to all Chinese martial arts is said to have originated from the movements of animals, how come animals in real life are so boring? The most energy my cat could muster was when it fell off a cushion. But cinema has long since harbored a strange fascination with the characteristics of animals. By adapting both their domestic and wild sensibilities, their feral instincts to hunt and fight have been used anthropomorphically throughout history. From the bizarre to the plain weird, here is cinema’s best kung fu kicking creatures.
Animal: Panda
As Seen In:Kung Fu Panda, the new CGI adventure from Dreamworks in which a lazy, cookie-chomping panda called Po learns the deadly secrets of kung fu while trying to eat a pile of dumplings.
Fight Story: Po is a clueless but enthusiastic kung fu fanatic. He is guided by his stomach, and only eats when he’s upset. Given that all of his friends don’t believe in him and his father’s a noodle-cooking ostrich, he eats quite a lot.
Special Skill: Due to his burly frame, Po uses his weight to his advantage when dueling with an evil Snow Leopard by sitting on his opponents head. He also uses the deadly Bear style of Chinese kung fu, famed for its strength and resistance.
In Reality: Pandas are incredibly docile herbivores, who sleep most of the day and live almost exclusively off bamboo. Although Giant Pandas have been known to attack humans, it is not known if they use the Bear style of kung fu in their attack.
Animal: Turtle
As Seen In:Teenaged Mutant Ninja Turtles TV cartoon, plus three feature length live action films and more recently a re-branded CGI version with a bit more attitude, dude.
Fight Story: These mutant turtles were human sized and interacted like stoned Aussie surfers. All named after Renaissance artists, they lived in a sewer and were taught Ninjitsu by a giant rat. They also relied on weapons, which is no mean feat when you fail to possess any thumbs.
Special Skill: A half-shell in which the turtle can cower from falling missiles and pretend to lay dormant. This would often confuse their witless adversaries Bebob and Rocksteady, a hippo and a rhino respectively, who were a lunatic pair of idiots.
In Reality: Turtles are one of the slowest creatures on the planet and eat mostly plants. Ninja Turtles, however, are incredible nubile and live on pizza. Even by cartoon standards, this is quite a stretch of the imagination.
Animal: Dog
As Seen In: Hong Kong Phooey, the inept crime fighting alter-ego of Penry Pooch, a janitor at a police station. The townsfolk never seemed to realize that the two characters were the same animal, despite Penry being the only dog who worked there.
Fight Story: Whenever crime kicks off, Penry jumps into a filing cabinet and changes into kung fu superhero Hong Kong Phooey. He’s highly respected, even though he’s absolutely rubbish. The police secretary, a human called Rosemary, has a big crush on him, which is just too weird to comprehend.
Special Skill: Aside from being able to magically transform the Phooeymobile into any vehicle he likes, Hong Kong Phooey often relied on a cat to bail him out of most situations. And then he’d take all the credit! Further evidence to fuel the debate that dogs are stupid.
In Reality: Dogs may be a man’s best friend, but they also crave attention and smell really bad. It’s no surprise that Hong Kong Phooey got a cat to do most of his dirty work – he was probably too preoccupied with peeing against the trees.
Animal: Kangeroo
As Seen In:Warriors of Virtue, a strange American fantasy film directed by Ronnie Yu. Ice-T also played a mutant kangaroo in the film Tank Girl, but thankfully no one has talked about this ever since.
Fight Story: In Warriors of Virtue, five philosophizing kangaroos are the last line of defense against a psychotic maniac – a human, I might add - who wants to control the spiritual world of Tao. They each possess weapons and hop about like wushu bandits, assuming a vague human form, only with whiskers.
Special Skill: A whiplash tail technique which catches opponents when they least expect. They also seem to have Confucius on their side, who must clearly be a great role model for any fighting kangaroo.
In Reality: You won’t find a kangaroo anywhere near a mystical land like Tao, unless it accidentally resembles the Australian outback. Although kangaroos can’t walk, their hop can reach up to 44 mph. How it would handle itself with a bo staff, on the other hand, is still up for debate.
Samurai Pizza Cats
Animal: Cat
As Seen In:Thundercats , perhaps the campest use of anthropomorphic feline characters ever created, and a bizarre Japanese cartoon called Samurai Pizza Cats which, for some strange reason, never really caught on over here.
Fight Story: The Samurai Pizza Cats are led by Speedy Cerviche alongside Guido Anchovy and Polly Ester, who manage to run a successful pizza joint while protecting Little Tokyo from crime… in the future! Their fur is protected by cybernetic armour, apart from their tails, so that the audience can recognise that they're cats and not just a trio of reject storm troopers who have hit bad times.
Special Skill: Aside from cat like poise and reflexes, Speedy is understandably quick, Polly is a sly tease who lures victims into her sharp claws while Guido is a lover boy who fires laser beams from an umbrella.
In Reality: Of course, cats are renowned for their single-minded sense of independence, so it is highly unlikely that they could muster the enthusiasm to fight crime with any realistic sense of urgency. Unless they received some sort of treat afterwards, of course, like a mouse on a string or something.
By: Scatha (Registered IP 85.211.101.220) on 19-07-2008 12:31
Entertaining article, but I have to dispute your point about cats! I have a 13 year old moggie who still thinks she's a kitten and has created her very own Martial Arts style, which mostly involves fooling cats (and people) into thinking she's given up fighting and then unleashing a series of blidingly fast moves when you least expect it. She also doesn't seem to understand that she's small and will happily attack any human who happens to be in the wrong place or moving in an interesting way.
Fun and Entertainment 
Animal: Panda 
Animal: Dog 
Animal: Kangeroo 
(1 vote)
By: Scatha (Registered IP 85.211.101.220) on 19-07-2008 12:31
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