Studying a martial art, it seems, is very much like getting to know your wife or your husband. At least that’s what Making of a Butterfly author Phillip Starr believes, as he tells Martial Edge that flirting is good when you’re young, but one day you just have to settle down.

Taking up the study of martial arts is really very much like getting married. When I was a youngster there weren't too many young women available. That is, there weren't many martial arts available. The inscrutable Oriental fighting disciplines were things of mystery and awe. In fact, many people had no idea what "karate" was! There were almost no commercial schools at all and none of them advertised. Most martial arts training was conducted in an instructor's backyard, basement, or garage.

It's very, very different nowadays. People shop around for martial arts schools much as they shop for fresh vegetables. All you have to do is open the phone book and scores of different schools and arts are listed. Some even offer special bargains (kind of like K-Mart specials). In the present world of martial arts there are a great many available "young ladies."

My teacher, Master W. C. Chen, used to compare the study of martial arts to being married. First you try to find the young lady/man of your dreams. When you think you have, you woo him/her and spend a lot of time together. If and when you finally decide that he or she is the one for you, you "get married", as it were, and devote yourself to her or him.

You cannot have two wives/husbands.

And why on earth would anyone want to?

Some of the Asian spouses can be a little tough to live with. For instance, some are fine when you're young but as you get older, it's pretty tough to carry on much of a relationship. Judo and jujutsu come to mind. When you step over the threshold of becoming a "senior citizen", they're a little tough on the body - breakfalls or not. And I don't see a lot of people in their sixties (or even fifties) and beyond doing kickboxing or muay thai.

Others are a little high maintenance. That is, they demand that you spend a lot of money on them. Anyone who's ever become deeply involved with kendo will be only too happy to tell you how terribly expensive bogu (kendo armor) can be.

So you want to pick one that you can live with. You have to get to know each other. Will his/her beliefs (philosophy) fit into your life? What is he/she about? You sure don't want to jump feet first into a relationship without really getting to know the other person (art).

Some so-called arts are actually pretty superficial. There's just not much to them. I guess they're the "Vally Girls" of martial arts. Very attractive when they're young but no breeding and they don't age well. There's no real depth to them, either. Do you want to spend your life with one of these?

No lady or man is entirely beautiful. At first you may think so but in time, you'll find aspects of him/her that you don't especially like. Like a wart on his/her butt. But in time, you understand that this thing that you dislike is an important part of who and what your spouse is. Don't try to surgically remove what you don't like just to suit yourself. No nose or boob jobs. You either take her as she is or walk away.

Then you have to make a lifetime commitment. No marriage was ever made in heaven. You have to work at them if they're to be successful and like any marriage, there will be times when you argue. What's important is that you resolve the problem and move forward. A marriage is not a 50/50 proposition. It's a 90/10 proposition with the 90% being on your end of the measuring stick.

Sadly, there are lots of divorces in the marriage of martial arts and people. Many more today than when I was young - probably because there are so many other attractive "ladies and men" with which to flirt.

I'm talking about other martial arts - for those of you who have no imagination.

After you've made the commitment, that's it. Unlike actual marriages between people, however, it's okay to "fool around" with other arts from time to time, once you've reached a certain level of comfort... but your primary commitment must remain firm. For instance, I am committed (married) to Yilichuan. Sure, I like to practice iaido (Japanese art of drawing and cutting with a sword). In fact, I love it! But my commitment is to Yili. She comes first. I study her, listen to her, "talk" to her every day.

I cannot possibly be married to Yilichuan and iaido both. I can have only one wife. One spouse is very demanding - why or how could I possibly handle two (or more)? So my commitment is to Yili.

A marriage deepens with the passing of years and the interaction between the two parties. You get to know each other better - you seem to become "one." You learn from and with each other. There's so much more to your spouse than you'd ever imagined and as you age and grow older with her/him, it causes certain changes to occur in you. It's the same with your marriage to your chosen martial discipline.

Unfortunately, many people leave their spouses before they really get to know them or they flirt with other arts so much that they never really get to know their primary art. In fact, some become so flirtatious that they never get to know a whole lot about any one art. Theirs is a very superficial relationship and it's going nowhere.

It's all about making a commitment and then sticking to it. There'll be tough times, sure. And there'll be good times. But by staying together the relationship only gets stronger, sweeter, and deeper.

Phillip Starr is the author of The Making of a Butterfly. His new book, Martial Mechanics, will be released in Spring 2008.

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